The forgetfulness has been a big thing that has caught me off guard. My brain doesn’t work like it should, and it gets frustrating. Like I forget to put shoes on. And my poor phone gets forgotten all the time, everyday. I wasn’t expecting simple things to become so overwhelming. Maybe it’s from exhaustion, but it’s as if everything inside my head is at capacity – it can’t process anything else. It’s buffering.
God promises to never leave us or forsake us. He promises to comfort those who mourn and heal the broken hearted. He says that His strength is sufficient in our weakness, and He tells me to be still and know that He is God. These promises are my lifeline. I repeat them over and over – in my head, out loud, to the boys.
My boys, however, don’t seem to need very much affirmation from me. They already have it strait from heavenly sources. For several weeks after Carey’s death, Carver would come up to me and say with confidence, “Daddy is in heaven! With Jesus!” Yes, this is something I told him. But the joy in his voice and the sparkle in his eyes when he comes up to me proclaiming this good news is not something that he is mimicking. My two year old is excited to tell me where his daddy is and who he is with. Sometimes, Carver would do this multiple times a day – almost as if he were trying to convince me. Eli also talks frequently about daddy feeling well, daddy loving Max (our new pup), daddy having fun… he’s in tune with him. I really don’t even know how to explain it, but my boys are so closely knit with their daddy still. It’s a gift.
This isn’t to say we don’t ache deeply. I’m overwhelmed with sadness – I miss my husband every minute and I want him back so bad it physically hurts. The boys are processing their grief in their own ways. Our lives will never be the same, and our home feels vastly empty. But as overwhelming as these past few months have been, joy and hope are not lost. That’s really the main thing I wanted to share. The grief, the forgetfulness, the pain all have their rightful place, but love, and hope, and joy are holding their own simply because God is near.
This blog used to be about keeping friends and family in the loop while Carey fought cancer – how he was doing and how our family was doing. Now it will simply be me sharing for the sake of sharing.
I hope you will share too. In any way you want. Sometimes I think people are apprehensive to share about Carey or how they are feeling directly to me, but I hope you will.